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Saturday, September 26th, 2009
9:29 am
It's been a while.

Like, a really long while.

I'm living with my boyfriend. Same one from a couple years ago.

We've got a huge apartment, decent jobs, nice life. I gave up the weight loss goals for a long while, too, because I was so happy, I didn't want to fuck it up.

But despite what I want, he's letting his fucking pothead idiot of a brother move into our apartment.

I just feel dead inside. He doesn't seem to care what I want anymore. I don't even want to live here. I can't deal with this asshole he wants to live here.

I'm just... I don't think I can ever be happy. I want to tone it all out, just sit back and let myself waste away. It's all I can do...

current mood: blank

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Friday, April 27th, 2007
11:21 pm
I broke my fast last night... or rather, in the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep, so I got up around midnight and had a 470 calorie frozen dinner and a bowl of cereal. Blegh. At least I made it to 120 hours. Five days. Longer than I've ever been able to before.

Well, today, I was happy, so I decided not to worry about it, just for one day. I had a small omelette and some koolaid at my boyfriend's house, and then we went to this event thingy, where I had some pasta, chicken, a small salad, and a tiny slice of cheesecake.

I wore the pants I wasn't able to fit for two years today, and that makes me happy. And I fit into the shorts of mine again without a spare tire, as I'm wearing them right now.

But I am absolutely disgusted with myself, even though I kept some semblance of control and fit into some of my smaller clothes.

Thing is... After the event, me and my boyfriend were standing around outside, waiting for my parents to come, as they were our ride back because buses weren't running that late. And he started talking about something or other, and he mentioned he'd like it if I lost weight. Apparently he doesn't like me "on top" because I weigh too much and it hurts him.

I hate myself so much right now.

I have what he said written on my stomach in sharpie... it'll be a few days before he has a chance to see my stomach and it'll wash off before then. It hurts so much to know he thinks of me as weighing too much, but at the same time, I think it's just what I need. I can lose some weight and be beautiful for him. And he'll be so much happier with me.

I'm a fucking idiot.

Starting the fast again... official start time was 10 PM tonight, friday. Last time I ate was sometime about seven. I think that's a good way to start, a couple hours to digest and then start counting.

So... fasting again. I can't let my small victory go down the drain... I have to keep fighting.

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Wednesday, April 25th, 2007
9:54 pm
I have just reached my 94th hour of fasting.

That's nearly four days. Two more hours until it is an absolute COMPLETE four days.

I've never been able to make it this long before. I always broke after the second day. Sometimes I would get partway into the third, but always I would end up eating.

Well, I've been thoroughly disgusted with myself lately.

So I started this fast on sunday.

And I'm really doing it, really truly doing it.

I feel so strong.

In the morning, when I wake up, I'll have topped 100 hours. The exact time of my hitting 100 will be four AM.

I've lost six pounds already... some of it will probably come back when I break the fast, but I don't plan on doing that for a while.

For once in my life, I'm actually proud of myself.

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Saturday, March 24th, 2007
9:33 am
I'm not pregnant.

But I think I wanted to be.

On the one hand, it's a really bad time in my life to have a baby. I'm 17 and living with my ultra religious parents. I have no job. I've only been dating my guy for a month and two days.

But on the other hand... I don't know why. I guess I thought it would make me feel special, make me feel as if I was connected to another being like that. And I guess... I guess I'm afraid that my guy might decide one day he doesn't want me.

I dunno why I convinced myself I needed to take that test. I guess... I was having some dizzy spells, and stomach problems, and I havn't gotten my period. But the period thing is normal. Sometimes I'll go months without having one.

But when I had a dizzy spell and he mentioned the possibility of being pregnant, well... I think I freaked out a little bit. I think I might have convinced myself I felt worse than I did.

But now that I've taken a test... I dunno. I'm afraid to tell him because he'll think I was making the whole dizzy spell and naustea up. And I... it's stupid, I know, but I feel so... connected to him, when he thinks he might be having a baby with me.

God damnit. I'm a fucktard.

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Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
10:27 pm
I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. It was... beginning to be toxic, the relationship. And I couldn't deal with it anymore.

Well... I met someone new.

I've been dating him since last thursday.

He's amazing.

And a good magician.

... And really good in the sack *innocent whistle*

Okay, I don't know that yet.

But I kinda want to know.

I'm such a horny little brat XD

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Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007
10:30 pm
I've done well today. I have my motivation back. I've been looking at all my thin clothes, trying some of them on, seeing how much better they fit! And I remember now what overindulging feels like, and how crappy it is, because I did so on new years eve. My mother made her special macaroni and cheese, and I can never resist that stuff well, especially after surviving on nothing but oranges for four days prior to it. I ate around three plates of that stuff, and I felt horrible. My stomach hurt from it and I felt huge.

Well, I'm back on track. Today has been a fast. Originally, I had intended it to be a day where I ate two oranges and nothing more, but... well, I painted my nails this pretty red earlier, before I had eaten either of the two oranges allowed to me today, and I don't wanna ruin the polish job by peeling an orange. So, I changed it into a fast day. And it's almost time for bed here, so I'm actually going to succeed today. Yay for me.

I am losing weight, I can tell. I was hanging out with my boyfriend and modeling some sexy clothes for him, and I fit into one of the shirts of mine that I hadn't been able to before. I can't believe how flat my stomach looked in it!

I'm really doing this.

For once, I'm actually proud of my willpower.

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Friday, December 29th, 2006
9:27 pm - Lame fill-in-the-blanks meme
IN 2006 I...

[] single currently
[x] relationship currently
[x] got kissed
[x] kissed someone new
[x] made out
[x] made out in a car
[x] made out in the movies
[ ] kissed in the snow
[x] kissed in the rain
[x] fell in love
[ ] fell in love with a fool
[ ] had my heart broken
[ ] broke someone else's heart
[xsortofx] had a stalker
[ ] lost a friend
[x] had a good relationship with someone
[x] questioned my sexual orientation
[xtosomepeoplex] came out of my closet
[ ] got married
[ ] had a divorce
[x] kissed someone of the same sex
[xstillcurrentlydatingx] dated someone that I will never forget
[x] did something I regret
[ ] lost faith in love
[ ] kissed under mistletoe
[x] got straight A's
[ ] met a teacher who I became friends with
[ ] met a teacher who I really hate
[ ] found the subject I love
[xsortof... I dropped itx] failed a class
[x] cut class
[x] skipped school
[xsortofx] got in a fight with a classmate
[x] did something I was proud of
[x] discovered a new talent
[x] proved myself that I'm an idiot
[x] embarrassed myself in front of the class
[ ] fell in love with a teacher
[ ] got the lead role in the school play
[ ] made a team
[x] was involved in something that I will never forget
[xwell,drewx] painted a picture
[x] wrote a poem
[x] ran a mile
[x] listened to music I couldn't stand
[x] double dipped
[ ] skinny dipped
[x] went to a sleepover
[ ] went to camp
[ ] threw a surprise party
[x] laughed till I cried
[ ] laughed till I peed my pants
[x] flirted shamelessly
[ ] visited a foreign country
[x] visited another state
[ ] cooked a disastrous meal
[ximportanttomex] Lost something important
[x] got a gift I love
[x] realized something new about myself
[x] went on a diet
[ ] tried to gain weight
[x] tried to lose weight
[ ] dyed my hair
[x] came close to losing my life
[ ] got arrested
[x] read a great book
[x] saw a great movie
[ ] saw a movie so scary that it made me cry
[ ] saw a favorite band live
[x] did something that I wanted to tell everyone
[x] experienced something new
[x] made new friends
[ ] found out who your real friends are
[x] lied to your parents
[ ] snuck out
[ ] got in trouble with police
[ ] kissed in a pool
[x] kissed under the stars
[x] had the time of your life
[x] danced
[ ] fell out of love
[x] had a crush on someone
[x] changed your sexual preference
[x] swam in a pool
[ ] made a snowman
[ ] went snowboarding
[ ] Went sledding
[x] slept in past 2pm
[x] stayed up past 6 am
[x] held someones hand that you care about
[ ] got wasted in a public place
[ ] got wasted in Mexico
[ ] told someone you like them as more than a friend
[xifvisitingrelativescountsx] gone on vacation
[ ] gone on vacation with a friend
[x] driven a car
[ ] played strip poker
[x] danced in the rain
[ ] got in a car accident
[ ] saw someone get in a car accident
[x] got in a fist fight
[x] laughed until you couldn't breathe
[x] had an amazing year
[x] missed someone

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Sunday, October 29th, 2006
9:18 pm
Him and I... we really clicked. Really well. And I can deal with all his faults, and he can deal with mine. And we help each other, lots.


Thing is... I'm not dating him.

I'm dating his brother.

I feel like I'm falling in love with him, more-so than the one I'm dating. But I can't go after him, and I feel like I'll break my boyfriend's heart if I break up with him.

Yesterday, when I was talking to him late last night on the phone, Carl, the one I'm not dating, told me that he had never met anyone he would rather marry. He said he didn't want to settle for something lesser. He's in love with me.

They're both in love with me.

I feel like I'm going to break a heart one way or another. If I break up with Eric and go with Carl instead, it'll break Eric's heart and ruin the relationship between two brothers. But if I stay with Eric, I may very well break Carl's heart.

I don't even know who I want to be with.

This... is the worst situation I've ever found myself in.

And I have no real way to fix it.

Is it irresponsible to ignore it, at least for a little bit?

God I suck.

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Sunday, October 15th, 2006
11:24 am
There is nothing like the thought of being seen naked by someone who you want to be attracted to you to motivate you to lose weight!

For the last two days, I've kept it under 1000 calories. Friday was 720 calories, and saturday was 760 calories. And yesterday (saturday), I exercised a bunch. I played 40 minutes of DDR, did this half-an-hour long "dance workout" that I found in a magazine, lifted some weights, and did this Tai Chi video I found to cool down.

All in all, I'm feeling pretty happy with myself today =^-^=

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Friday, October 13th, 2006
4:45 pm
If I had a car... I would've driven up there and fucked him by now.

Seriously, even meaning it would be giving my virginity away to him.

We kept dodging around the issue for a while, but we finally started talking about it a couple days ago. And we both decided that we want to give our virginity to each other. And this decision (on my part, at least) was not made while I was aroused. I made sure that I wasn't aroused when I decided for sure that it was what I wanted to do.

We've talked about everything, such as what birth control we'll use, any insecurities we have about this, how we'll arrange the time schedule, where I'm going to tell my mother I am, and even what sex acts we're willing to do and what our fetishes are.

And he understands very well that the first time needs to be easy. He'll take care of me, I know this. I trust him with my life, and he's proven worthy of that trust in the past. He'll take care of the immense amount of trust I'm placing in him to be the one to do this.

There is only one problem with this situation.

I'm not dating him. He is available, but I'm currently dating someone. He is well aware of my situation, so it's not like he's going into this blind.

This makes me a cheater, doesn't it? I don't feel bad about my decision, but... I really love my boyfriend, but I really love this other guy too. I don't know what to do. My boyfriend would kill me if he knew, and I feel like I'm being unfair to him, but I'm scared to break up.

I mean, I could break up with my current BF and go with this other guy, but... there is a reason I can't do it. I find myself incapable of telling you right now, though.

I hate myself.

But I don't regret my decision.

current mood: confused

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Thursday, October 12th, 2006
9:32 pm - Group Hug
I was reading grouphug.us, like I find myself doing on a regular basis, and I found... one of the most philosophical confessions. It was kinda eye-opening. I'll re-post it here...

http://grouphug.us/confessions/456303862

"type...delete.

Ever find yourself at a loss of what to say? It's just an anonymous confession, no one you know will know that it's you. And then you realize, there are things you could say that would give it all away.

type...delete.

You write up everything you want to say. About your boyfriend, about your boyfriend's brother, about fucking your dog...and then you wonder, what if everyone could tell it was you.

type...delete.

You pour your heart out, and just before you press the button to submit it, you realize A or Z or who the hell ever it is this week could know it was you.

so you type...

and you delete.

My confession? My confession is that I love him. My confession is that I want to take him into my arms and smother him with kisses and have the most mind-blowing sex we've ever had.

My confession is that I'm a lesbian, and I love him.

type...delete."

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Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
6:46 pm
Gahh, I think I'm getting sick. Thats bad. I've got too much schoolwork to get sick right now.

Ah well... at least this was my last day of class until next monday.

I'm actually considering telling a friend about the... bisexuality. Because she could help me out with dealing with it. She is herself.

And... I think she's really pretty. Is that a bad thing? Probably, because she is bisexual... maybe I'm convincing myself I like her because I actually stand a tiny bit of a chance.

I feel like a bad person.

I've also eaten too much today... I had a small slice of pizza and a corndog. Blegh >.

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Thursday, September 7th, 2006
10:10 pm - A very sexual post
I am bisexual. More specifically, bi-curious, because I havn't had any sexual experience with a female. But I have had crushes on females, and find some turn me on.

Well, I was shrinking my mom. I started into the conversation just talking, like usual. I ended up talking about some friends, and she told me she doesn't want my friend Vanessa over here anymore, because she mentioned something about being bisexual... to my father. Has the girl no shame?!

Well, stupid move Vanessa made aside...

So I ask mom why exactly she has a problem with it, and she veiws it as a sin.

I didn't choose to be sexually attracted to females. It just happened that way. And it is very unlikely that I will ever act on these feelings, but I still have them, willing or not.

And you know what? I wouldn't choose to be any other way.

So, my mother would be shocked, absolutely shocked, if she ever knew about my sexual orientation, and she would probably kick me out or something.

In fact, my family would be shocked at any of my sexual wants, wishes, fetishes... you name it, they would be shocked. They are a family that approves of nothing but vanilla sex between married couples. They only thing they would approve of is my status as a virgin. But that doesn't mean I'm an innocent with no experience in "sexual activities". The only thing is, I have not had penetration, but I have had/given oral, been in the presence of a naked man (while I was naked), had manual stimulation... yeah, lots of stuff that makes me not quite an innocent anymore. ^^;;

I'm into so many things they don't approve of, such as...

I'm bi-curious.

I like the idea of a female-female-male threesome (of which I would be one of the females), and also the idea of a threesome with all females.

I'm into some degree of sadomasochism. It may stem from the self-injury that I like pain, but in any case, I get a thrill out of it, particularly being bitten, possibly even being whipped until I bleed. I'm not especially into causing pain, but I do like it if I have a willing partner, one who likes receiving pain. I don't do it for my own pleasure, but I do do it for one who wants it, and enjoy it in the process.

I like bondage. I want to tie someone up, fuck them. I want to be tied up and teased, then fucked senseless. I really like this idea.

I take dirty pictures of myself and send them to my boyfriend... and one other person, my best friend (who is male), because we have a deal.

And I masturbate regularly. With a vibrator.

And my parents would kill me if they knew this, any of this.

I feel deviant.

Sometimes I worry... what if they found out?

But they will never know about my sexual things. I don't see any of this as a sin. I am doing nothing wrong. If its between consenting adults who are safe about it, why should anyone have any say in it?

I hate my family sometimes. They disaprove of everything I am. I don't show these things to them. I have a front I put up for them. I am a different person to them than I really am... sometimes it makes me feel like a terrible person. But then I know that who I pretend to be is really kinder to them than the truth.

current mood: aroused

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Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
1:39 pm
I just had cybersex with my boyfriend's brother.

While I was also talking to my boyfriend on AIM in a seperate window.

My boyfriend will never know about this, and he would kill me if he did.

Does this make me a slut?

current mood: uncomfortable

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Saturday, August 19th, 2006
9:26 pm
Haha... I had given myself permission to wolf down a whole box of macaroni and cheese minus the butter and bring my total up to 840 calories for the day, because I was really craving it.

Well, I've got the water on the stove and its close to boiling, and dad comes in and starts bitching at me over something I allegedly said in a disrespectful manner to my mom. And I start freaking out, because he's too close to me. I can't deal with that man standing that closely to me. I mean, he's never done anything to me, but it really freaks me out because he acts like some sort of sex-crazed bastard.

So I turn the water off and run past him after he won't back up and I was screaming at him. So, there goes my plan to stuff my face.

Now, all I've had is a 50 calorie applesauce cup. Yay for me! =^-^=

Also, I feel too sick to eat anything else, really. I'm still thinking about the argument.

Haha, is only the fucker who claims to be my father knew that he's helping me in my quest to starve all this fat off my body... he would quit all this idiotic behavior he does. But no, he won't know. And I can continue to have fuel to hold my strength. I have a cause, damnitall!

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Thursday, August 17th, 2006
10:36 pm
I'm scaring myself.

I really, really want to take one of those hydrocodone tablets that the oral surgeon gave me.

I'm in absolutely no physical pain. I don't need it.

And I really, really want to take it.

I'm scared... what if I give in and take one? o.o

current mood: melancholy

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Sunday, August 13th, 2006
10:20 pm
Seriously… every time you eat, something bad happens. Mum gets mad at you. You get angry with yourself. Someone blames you for eating their food.

Why don’t you just quit? No more eating. You’ll get thin… feel empty… have less reasons for people to blame you.

You don’t really need food!

No more eating…

Meat… bloody, animals. Why would you want to eat them?

Pasta… empty carbs. No good.

Salt… you want low blood pressure, right? It’ll help you get that marvelous dizzy feeling whenever it goes down if you just quit eating this filth!

Chocolate… its supposed to make you happy. It might taste good, but think about how you always feel after. Same goes for icecream and all those other sweets.

You don’t need it, Melissa. You’re stronger than that.

Maybe one day, you’ll be able to prove that to yourself.

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Thursday, August 10th, 2006
1:58 pm
One goddamn comment. Just one.

And I shut down. I feel ugly now... like I don't deserve to be here.

He even kissed me when he said goodbye to go to his class... and I couldn't even do anything. I couldn't even kiss back.

He must be angry at me...

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Sunday, July 23rd, 2006
4:09 pm
What... the... fuck!

I'm cutting my wrist. And it doesn't hurt. Like, at all. And I want pain, damnit! I love the blood, but I want the fucking pain! And I shouldn't go too far with it. I don't want anyone to be able to tell I've cut myself, I have to be able to pass it off as dog scratches or scrapes from falling off my bike. Damnit all!

current mood: frustrated

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Friday, July 14th, 2006
7:02 pm
I've done so well today... I've only eaten 270 cals. A packet of instant oatmeal, a lowfat yogurt smoothie, and half a cup of fat free milk in my chai tea.

Well, tomorrow might be a little more difficult... I'm going to my friend's birthday party, because he invited me. Also, its my a brother's birthday, too. So, two birthday parties in one day.

And You know what they have at birthday parties?

Thats right... cake. And icecream.

Its easy enough to avoid the sweets at my own home, because noone will be paying attention, or I could always ditch out of the cake and icecream.

But at Carl's party... I don't know what I'm supposed to do about the cake. I mean, Carl knows about a couple years ago, when I was eating so little. He doesn't know about now. But I don't want to clue him in on anything, because he'll try to stop me, along with Eric... Gah, I don't know what to do.

Maybe I could skip breakfast (and dinner) to eat a bit at the parties? I could still stay in a reasonable zone that way...

current mood: worried

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